a philosophy on sluts

I really enjoy life. I don’t understand the rules and regulations we place on ourselves and others to limit our joy or our enjoyment on life. Certainly, anything can be enjoyed to excess and there is a case for moderating all things, but that moderation will always be subjective so long as no one is harmed by the excess. Let me be clear – I’m talking about sex. Most people really enjoy sex, when done properly.

Yet, we’ve created so many stigmas around sex, so many judgements, and thus our highly complex minds that have lifted us beyond the bounds of our planets inevitably revert to the anxious ape brains they are once sex enters the equation. Add our weird view of sex to a culture that has a weird view of gender, and things get, well, weird.

A man who has sex with multiple women is truly a man, someone to be admired, but a woman who has sex with a lot of men is a slut. While these views have shifted in the last few years, they haven’t gotten better. We now have people who aren’t even religious judging men and women for having “too many” partners, though no one can ever define what “too many” is.

What is the definition of a slut? At what point does someone go from “inexperienced” to “experienced” to “slut?” Do we determine it by age? If you’ve only had four sexual partners by the age of 40 that’s relatively average, but also seems low. But if you’ve had four sexual partners by the age of 20, that will get you the label of “slut.” Why?

What constitutes a slut? Why is it we use this term so much and we judge people for having multiple sexual partners yet have no real definition for the word. There’s no objective standard by which we can go, “Ah, yes, you’ve crossed the threshold and are now a slut.”

Instead, we use this to shame people away from living their lives as they please. We shame them for having their hidden desires, things that turn them on and excite them, things that harm no one and just add joy to their lives. We judge them for finding something that makes them happy and brings them joy. We judge them for something that has literally no effect on us.

Jenny has slept with 20 men and is called a slut. Is she a slut because she’s slept with 20 men, or is she a slut because the man wishes he was number 21 but never will be? Is she a slut because of all the men she’s slept with, or is she a slut because the woman calling her that wishes she had slept with that many men (or maybe just one of the men)?

The accusation “slut” often says far more about the person saying it than the person receiving it. Usually, it comes from jealous men who wish that they too could get their dicks wet, but just can’t. Hypocritically enough, it can also come from the men who’ve had sex with the woman. The number of times I’ve heard men describe a sexual partner – really a sexual conquest – as a slut is mind boggling. My dude, you are also a slut!

There is a darker aspect to sex and having multiple partners as well. The aforementioned dude is someone who views sex as conquest, as control, as someone coming to take what is theirs, “I get mine” is the attitude and refrain. Others are seeking and emptying themselves to anyone who comes along, only to find themselves emptier and wanting more. It’s as though they’re cursed beings, always seeking nourishment, and feasting more than anyone else, yet somehow are left malnourished. Sex can be liberating, it can be empowering, but it can also be emptying and destructive.

Which leads to me to my philosophy on sluts. I’ll let the analytic philosophers debate over if this is a subcategory of ethics or anthropology. Truth be told, there’s a reason analytics philosophers aren’t famous for their writings on sex in the first place – philosophy does tend to work best if one has experienced the subject matter being philosophized.

I think it’s important to define what a slut is, to not just reclaim the title but to redefine it (or just finally define it). I know etymological studies over words are boring and usually don’t mean much, but the etymology of slut is interesting. While today and historically it’s almost exclusively been used for women, its first appearance in English is in the 13th century from Chaucer because of course it’s from Chaucer.

Why is thy lord so sluttish, I thee preye

And thus enters the word “slut” into the English language, and like the slut it is, it entered with the flair of “sluttish.” What a fantastic use of the word. Yet, it meant “dirty” or “used” and then began to be used exclusively with women. Under this definition the usage of the word “slut” doesn’t describe the target of the word, it describes the user. That person is confessing their view of sex. The usage of the word in this way, its intended way, is useless beyond just being a nonsensical insult. Think about it, in the modern era where we have better protection and medications how is it an insult to accuse someone of enjoying sex with different people?

How is it wrong? Perhaps it’s not for you and that’s fine! Perhaps you have a limit and a view for yourself, but why should that standard be applied to everyone else? The main reason is a desire for possession, which stems from a desire for control. People, usually men, want to control how many partners a woman has had. They don’t want to date a “slut,” they want to date a woman who is an untouched virgin who will miraculously know how to fuck on their wedding night and essentially be a porn star.

Thus, we encounter our first harmful type of slut, the one who views sex as a conquest. People who are just racking up a body count or using sexual partners for the sole purpose of “getting mine,” whether that “mine” be validation, gratification, or the thought of using a human being as a glorified sex toy, are using people for their own egotistical gain. These are the types that pressure, promise, and pretend to get what they want and then abandon their partner once they’ve gotten what they wanted.

The other type of this same category will use sex to get what they want. They’ll use someone, even if they know the person likes them, to whatever ends or purposes they have and then drop them once they’ve been served or someone more interesting as come along. To them, people are objects. Sure, some have great intentions, but they simply fail to know themselves and the traps they’re laying for their partners. They cannot come to terms with the reality that they’re using people, because they haven’t been willing to face a pain or deficiency within themselves. I mean, it’s not a fun thing to do and some people unwittingly avoid it, even through therapy.

Explanations of motives aside, these are the types of sluts that harm people. They are destructive, leaving a path of broken hearts behind them and not caring one bit, often times blaming the people they’ve hurt. It’s narcissism, which is the root of most everything bad in this world. Most relationships, short-lived or long, often die because some type of narcissism took root in one or both partners. With these destructive sluts it just happens sooner. They cheat, they lie, they manipulate, they approach the world, even those closest to them, with a “I’ll get mine” attitude, having no sense of selflessness. Even their altruistic actions are heavy-laden with selfish motives.

This is not sexual liberation, it’s sexual entrapment. It’s taking something that can come with a major emotional bond and exploiting it, twisting it, and using it to manipulate another person into doing what you want them to do. You’re robbing them of their free will and, if we’re being honest, acting like a parasite that’s invading a host. From an ethics standpoint, this is what most philosophers would consider “shitty.”

It's an attempt to overtake a person’s identity. The game Cyberpunk: 2077 does a great job of exploring what it is to rob someone of their identity. It’s a type of death and a slow, painful death at that. It shapes them into someone that they’re not, often against their will at first, until only a shell of them remains. Often times there’s little time or no time for them to recover and so they become so used to a way of life, so used to being treated a certain way, that they’re cursed to repeat that mistake over and over again until they’re just an empty shell of themselves. Perhaps calling a slut who causes this type of damage a “parasite” is being too kind to them, or too harsh to parasites.

There is, of course, another type of slut that is extremely harmful and destructive – the slut that seeks love and attention. The slut who doesn’t know who he is and is desperately seeking himself in others. It’s the man or woman who is trying to find themselves in the acceptance of someone else and so they sleep with whoever comes along, with people who are seeking to take advantage of this exact personality type, and the result is always the walk of shame. Whether that walk comes the next morning or a decade later when you move out, you’re left so full of emptiness that there’s no room for anything else.

This is the type of slut that doesn’t necessarily have to sleep with multiple partners. It could be that they have sex with one or two people before settling on the one that they think will contain their identity. Maybe this is the man who will make me feel complete. Such a dangerous thought, such a dangerous action, to place the fate of your identity in the sexual drive of another.

They aren’t you, they haven’t experienced life in the way you have, and so they don’t hold the secret to who you are. No one can help define you. Others can help shape you and if you’re lucky you’ll find someone who will love you for you and who will help you become a better version of yourself, but they will forever be mindful that you are you. You will only ever find this person if you first define who you are. It’s not enough to know thyself as the ancient philosophers have said, you must grow thyself.

And you cannot grow yourself if you’re burdened with others attempting to define you while you’re trying to define yourself. If you are a slut who has sought after others to fill the emptiness inside, then you are susceptible to picking people who are going to want to use you until there’s none of you left. They’ll want to change you, define you, make you into someone you’re not and then get bored and abandon you when done or when they feel comfortable. The reason is simple; by the time they get to that point, they control you. The good news is you’re no longer empty. The bad news is that you no longer exist and instead have been filled with their thoughts, hopes, dreams, and desires. You are now their version of yourself, not your own, and that’s no way to live.

Wanting to be loved, desired, and fulfilled is a healthy desire and common. But you should seek those who will recognize you for you and support you for that. You must look at your past experiences, you must do the difficult work of confronting aspects of yourself that need to be changed and then do the hard work of changing. This task can seem so difficult, especially if you feel you have nothing left.

The fear of being alone is a powerful motivator for a lot of self-destructive behavior. When you’ve emptied yourself to others, when you feel you have nothing left of yourself, that fear becomes overpowering. If you stop giving yourself over to others, if you break up with that person who you’ve relied on to feel worth, then where will your sense of self come from? That is at the heart of so many of our problems as sluts, we seek our identity in others and so when we remove those others from our lives, we lose all sense of who we are.

Yes, you’ve given yourself over to so many people and feel as though you have nothing more left to give. Yes, you’ve been used, you’ve been misunderstood, you’ve sought joy, pleasure, and ecstasy and found these things but have also sought after love, understanding, belonging, and left found wanting. You’ve emptied yourself, you’ve shaped yourself, and so many would say you’ve enslaved yourself.

Reject these thoughts and understand that you have merely cultivated fertile ground upon which you can grow. You get to decide who you will be. You have been through the fires of life and are still here, you’ve opened your body to many as well as your heart and had both abused. Now you know not only what you can take, but what you will no longer tolerate. You alone now know how to protect your heart, so do it.

I grew up in the middle of America, which is to say I’ve spent some formative years driving by farm fields. The smell after a field has been fertilized is one of the most ungodly smells on earth, and very unseemly.

The thing about those fields that smell and are covered with shit is that eventually, they yield the most bountiful harvests. And sluts who can cultivate the field of their lives, who are able to take that shit and get rid of the pigs, get rid of all the sources of that shit, and begin to use that shit as fertilizer often become people with the deepest, most robust personalities who are able to tackle this life in a way that leaves others baffled.

Note that it does take work and it does take change. It takes finding a sense of value and purpose within yourself. Remember, only you can define who you are, only you can define your purpose. Look at your values, how you view this world. What is it that motivates you? What is it that causes you to be kind to others or are you kind to others? What are your values and do you try to live up to them? If not, why not?

You could also go to therapy and have a professional ask these questions. But no matter what, you have to be the one willing to change and willing to work for that change. You have to be willing to walk into that field of shit and begin tilling it into the soil, letting it turn from something grotesque into something nourishing. For the human psyche, what you will find is that this process usually involves a change of perspective. It’s not that you’re grotesque – you’re not – it’s that your perspective sometimes directs you to view your life that way.

Yet, your life is your life. Everything of who you are now is the culmination of how you reacted and changed to events in your life. Remove any of those events and you no longer exist. Someone else would be here in your place. As you work on yourself, you’ll find there are good parts of you, great parts of you, that grew from even negative and traumatic events. Through hard work, work that will leave you worn out, tired, and sometimes even wondering why you’re trying, you’ll eventually turn all that shit into something fertile.